My body isn't perfect, but it is mine and I am finally healthy [Exra skin after weight loss]

perfect: adjective ˈpərfikt/ 1. having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be.

You know, when I started this journey almost 5 years ago I thought I would lose the weight and things would simply be better.  I would finally be able to wear bikini's, midriff shirts and somehow losing weight would solve all my confidence issues. At first I believed losing weight would be a cure all, somehow in achieving the perfect body I would finally be happy. Man was I wrong, nothing is instantaneous and I have learned that everything is a process.

With that being said I may not have the perfect body, but what is perfect anyway? Society has engrained it into our brains that perfect means thin, no stretch marks, not a hair out of place.  Yet this shouldn't be how it is, perfect shouldn't be some standard that we have to meet. Hell, the definition of the word perfect is pretty vague, sure it says that to be perfect we have all the desirable traits needed to be as good as it is possible to be but these "traits" we are supposed to have based on societies views are bullshit.  For a long time I fed into society's views and even sometimes still find myself falling for their tricks. Comparing myself to this person or that.  Even though I still end up comparing myself I will say that I am finally happy and that it is okay in my opinion to be perfectly imperfect.

So now I am finally ready to share something I am deeply self conscious about with all of you because I know there are so many people out there who can relate to me.  For so long I have hidden my body after weight loss because I was embarrassed of it.  Only posting pictures where my extra skin is nice and concealed. Which seems crazy right, you would think after losing 130+ pounds that I would be so eager to get into a bikini correct? WRONG! What no one tells you is that after losing weight you WILL HAVE extra skin, you will have stretch marks and your body will not be perfect.  You will not have the tight, perfectly toned body [even though you do have muscle somewhere under the loose skin].  At first I loathed my new body, ignoring the fact that even though my body was not perfect it was finally healthy.  It has taken me 5 years to realize that my body is more than just something to look at. It is something amazing and my extra skin and stretch marks are reminders of the hard work I have put in to become healthy.  So even though I may never look like society says I should it is okay because my body is mine, it is healthy and it is perfectly imperfect just like it should be.  So I will wear my bikini, my midriff shirts and whatever else I please because this is my body and I am proud of how far it's come.

Regardless of all of my loose and extra skin, I am proud of my body because it is healthy and it is mine.

What were my underlying reasons to start getting healthy?

Recently I was asked the question: "What started you on your journey?"  After hearing the question I had to sit and think for a minute causing the person to ask another question, "Was it so you could find a significant other?"  Well the second question produced an immediate response. No I did not start my journey in order to obtain a boyfriend, for I already had a boyfriend (now my husband) who has always loved me for who I am.  He was not scared away by my size, and when asked how he could love me back then he typically shrugs and says easily.  So no, becoming more attractive to impress the opposite sex was not my main reason.  Perhaps the vain part of me did want to become more attractive for him, but I did not do it solely for the purpose of vanity.

I think the most underlying reason for why I began my journey is because I wanted to live.  I no longer wanted to be the girl who was slowly killing herself with food and piling on the weight.  I want to live to be old enough to have great grand children.  I want to live long enough so I can enjoy the world and travel.  I want to spend my whole life with my husband, without worrying if my obesity was eventually going to kill me.  I was tired of being tired.  Walking up stairs winded me, sometimes even walking from my car winded me.  I worked with children and I could not play duck duck goose with them without sweating and needing a break.  It was mortifying, and I realized I could no longer lead a life where living was not my priority.  Food had become my comfort, but this comfort was slowly killing me.  I had to change my ways so I could truly live.

So there you have it, the reason I started was because I wanted to live.  Simple as that.  Before this I was on the road to death.  Slowly dying with every bad thing I ate and every elevator instead of the stairs that I took. If you think about it living is a pretty big motivator.  Especially when you realize how much you actually have to live for.

What I miss...

What I miss from 114lbs ago...

I miss eating without questioning what I was eating and wondering what the nutritional content of my meal was.

I miss devouring a whole pizza and washing it down with an ice cold drink.

I miss having almost a whole thing of oreos and glass of milk to myself.

I miss the feeling that food used to give me, a feeling of euphoria.

I miss how food had no boundaries, how the sky was the limit and I could indulge in anything I pleased.

I miss how serving sizes didn't matter, they were just a number on the label.

But here is what I don't miss.

Cowering behind food, using it as a mask.

Pretending the stares and comments didn't hurt. Trying to be the funny one to fit in and ignore the hurt I felt inside.

My legs chaffing as I walked, and never being able to wear shorts due to them always riding up.

Feeling winded after walking up a flight of stairs, not being able to run without feeling as though I was suffocating.

Gorging myself to the point of physical pain. 

My clothes being tight and leaving marks in my skin.

The embarrassment of having to shop in a specialty store.

I can pretty much say what I don't miss out weighs what I do miss.  I know the things I miss are things that only the unhealthy me needed.  The new me doesn't need those things to be happy.  Food can no longer be my mask, my comfort, my friend.  It is now just there to nourish me. On the occasion it is still there to soothe a stressful day, only this time I use it as the label states. One serving is all I need.

Maintenance is a choice!

I have already written how it all started, and how I finally got my life under control. What I haven't talked about is how maintaining my weight has been just as hard for me as losing all the weight in the first place. When I first reached my goal weight I was ecstatic, thinking everything was going to be so easy and perfect now. Boy was I wrong! Within six months of reaching my goal I was up 7lbs. I realized I needed another wake up call.  Just because I reached my goal weight it didn't mean I could stop working hard. Here are a few things I have learned in the last year of attempting to maintain:

Just because you are at your goal does not mean you can stop counting calories. I realized this after I  gained the weight back.  Just because I am finally at a healthy weight it doesn't give me the excuse to binge eat.  Calories in are calories in, and 3500 calories worth of unneeded food still equals one pound of fat.  It is easier to see how many unneeded calories I eat when I am logging my food daily.  It helps me stay focused and on track.

Never stop exercising. Once you stop exercising it is hard to get back on track.  I have found that doing things I love makes exercising more enjoyable.  Lately I have been going on more hikes, walking the dog for longer periods of time and running.  These are all things I love so I never dread doing them. I am thinking about mixing in some weight training but need to find a fun way to do it.

Always set new goals for yourself! This doesn't mean you need to set new weight loss goals.  You can set any kind of goal you want.  I am thinking about setting some exercise goals.  Making sure I run at least 20 miles a week and walk the dog 6 days a week.  I also have a goal of only stepping on the scale once a week, this goal is to keep myself sane.  Weighing myself everyday just makes me crazy.  I know weight fluctuates daily, no need to stress myself out over it.

Always keep moving forward. Just because you are at your goal weight does not mean that all of your problems are solved.  I still have many hard days where I am having self doubt.  I am still self conscious but the only thing I can do is to keep moving forward.  Keep looking at the positives and continue my path to a healthy life.  It will never be easy but it really is worth it.

Maintenance is not just handed to you, it is a choice.  I have to choose to keep working out, I have to choose to eat healthy, I have to choose to stay fit.  I can not go back to my old habits ever.  I have to realize they are just as unhealthy to me now as they were when I was classified as morbidly obese. So now I choose to maintain my weight. I choose to stay fit and healthy.  I will maintain my weight for the rest of my life because I want to live a long and happy life.

Confessions from my inner self

It is one of those days, well I often have these days.  The days where no matter what anyone says me I still see myself as the old me.  I look in the mirror and often see the less fit, unhappy me.  The scale tells me one thing but when I look in the mirror my mind tells me another thing.  It is absolutely exasperating.  I have come so far and I know I look and feel a million times better than I did 3 years ago.  I am finally healthy, however I think my brain is still trying to play catch up with my physical transformation.

I know it takes a while to finally feel comfortable in your own skin after losing so much weight.  Even after almost a year of maintaining my weight I am still a little uncomfortable.  Perhaps I just haven't found a way to love myself completely yet.  I have always had a hard time with that, assuming it would become easier as I lost the weight.  Figuring that would solve everything. It solved some things, it has made me healthier and a little happier.  However, I am still struggling with loving myself completely. It is hard, but it will come.  I am lovable, completely worth love and have found love with my fiance.  Just need to find that love within myself.

Accepting the fact that I have transformed should be easy but it's not.  Everyone always says how great I look, but then I get some comments such as 'you are wasting away' or 'I hope you aren't trying to lose anymore weight'.  These are the comments where I want to scream I have been 235lbs before, I am at a comfortable 121ish and pretty damn happy.  I am not wasting away.  I am not too skinny, if anything my mind still plays those tricks on me, making me see myself as fat. BUT I am not fat anymore.  I AM HEALTHY.  No I am not wasting away, no I am not trying to lose more weight.  I am trying to gain muscle, I am trying to stay fit.  I will never go back to the old me.  Those kind of comments do not help me, they make me second guess myself.  I do not like that.

This whole inner struggle with my brain is tiring.  My struggle with peoples comments sometimes is tiring. I cannot wait for the day where my brain is FINALLY in line with my physical transformation.  I cannot wait to see the new happy, healthy, beautiful me completely.  Slowly but surely I will get there.  As of now I just have to look back at old pictures and remind myself that the old me is long gone.  The new healthy me is here to stay and I am never, ever going back.

I just want to be at peace someday.  Not focused so much on my appearance, but rather focused on my happiness.  Hopefully, someday I will fully realize how far I have come.  Someday I will.  I just know it. Someday I will finally love myself completely, then I will be at peace.