Confessions from my inner self

It is one of those days, well I often have these days.  The days where no matter what anyone says me I still see myself as the old me.  I look in the mirror and often see the less fit, unhappy me.  The scale tells me one thing but when I look in the mirror my mind tells me another thing.  It is absolutely exasperating.  I have come so far and I know I look and feel a million times better than I did 3 years ago.  I am finally healthy, however I think my brain is still trying to play catch up with my physical transformation.

I know it takes a while to finally feel comfortable in your own skin after losing so much weight.  Even after almost a year of maintaining my weight I am still a little uncomfortable.  Perhaps I just haven't found a way to love myself completely yet.  I have always had a hard time with that, assuming it would become easier as I lost the weight.  Figuring that would solve everything. It solved some things, it has made me healthier and a little happier.  However, I am still struggling with loving myself completely. It is hard, but it will come.  I am lovable, completely worth love and have found love with my fiance.  Just need to find that love within myself.

Accepting the fact that I have transformed should be easy but it's not.  Everyone always says how great I look, but then I get some comments such as 'you are wasting away' or 'I hope you aren't trying to lose anymore weight'.  These are the comments where I want to scream I have been 235lbs before, I am at a comfortable 121ish and pretty damn happy.  I am not wasting away.  I am not too skinny, if anything my mind still plays those tricks on me, making me see myself as fat. BUT I am not fat anymore.  I AM HEALTHY.  No I am not wasting away, no I am not trying to lose more weight.  I am trying to gain muscle, I am trying to stay fit.  I will never go back to the old me.  Those kind of comments do not help me, they make me second guess myself.  I do not like that.

This whole inner struggle with my brain is tiring.  My struggle with peoples comments sometimes is tiring. I cannot wait for the day where my brain is FINALLY in line with my physical transformation.  I cannot wait to see the new happy, healthy, beautiful me completely.  Slowly but surely I will get there.  As of now I just have to look back at old pictures and remind myself that the old me is long gone.  The new healthy me is here to stay and I am never, ever going back.

I just want to be at peace someday.  Not focused so much on my appearance, but rather focused on my happiness.  Hopefully, someday I will fully realize how far I have come.  Someday I will.  I just know it. Someday I will finally love myself completely, then I will be at peace.